Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Fox News Leapfrogs Fake News with Fake People

Fox News in general and Bill O'Reilly in particular seemed hurt by not being grouped with "loser, failing, sad," news organizations like the New York Times. While the President goes on and on about how the NYT is failing, driving the paper to new levels of success and subscriptions, poor Fox News remains an also-ran to Breitbart in the eyes of the White House. Of course, that's because UberPresident Bannon loves Breitbart, so that means UnderPresident Trump loves Breitbart as well.

Working to raise their profile, Fox News found a way to leapfrog fake news: fake people. Specifically, fake Swedish security experts. O'Reilly, trying to back Trump's bizarre comment about terrorism in Sweden, had two "experts" on his show this past weekend. One, Swedish journalist Anne-Sofie Naslund of the Expressen newspaper, appeared to be a real person from a real newspaper, and refuted the idea of Swedish terrorism caused by immigrants with facts. Facts! We don't need no stinking facts!

Not Big Bill. Not getting the answers he wanted from a real expert, he turned to his new secret weapon: fake people posing as fake experts. Say hello to my little friend, sorry, to Nils Bildt, promoted by Fox News as a Swedish Defense and National Security Advisor. Bildt smashed Naslund's stupid facts with the kind of fake news Fox has made their trademark.

Who is this Swedish security expert? That's the question the Swedes were asking. According to the National Post, Nils Bildt is really Nils Tolling who left Sweden in 1994. He says he's an expert on some stuff, and that he doesn't remember spending a year in prison for a violent incident in Virginia. So hard for fake experts to keep their fake stories straight.

In other news, Fox News has located a real Swede who is a certifiable gastronomical genius. Time for dinner!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Dan Rather's Quote About an Intellectual Snob Misses the Target

Dan Rather, the long-time CBS news anchor and journalist, has given us many fun quotes. But he's wrong about this quote and definition: "An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."

Sorry, Dan, but as a musician, I think you need to edit this. An intellectual "snob" is a bit insulting, but I understand why you said that, no doubt playing to the room. But a musician, in this case a classical musician or music fan, certainly does know that the William Tell Overture was used in the Lone Ranger TV show.

In this, as in so many cases, those who know more things greatly increase their enjoyment of life. We "intellectual snobs" have a big advantage. When we hear the opening cello solo of the William Tell Overture, we know we get to hear about nine minutes of great music. THEN the Lone Ranger appears for the last three or so.

But we know the Lone Ranger is coming long before the non-music fans know. We have the thrill of anticipation. And we watch the faces of our friends who don't know as they tune out during the pastoral meadow music, after the musical storm passes. We wait for that moment when the trumpet sounds and the light bulb clicks on as the Lone Ranger thunders onto the scene.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Republican signs repainted to say Russianpublicans

Now people from the intelligence community like Glenn Carle are being heard after screaming into the silence for the last year that the Trump campaign's red is not the Republican red but the Russian red. "The issue is that Trump and his entourage, for a long period of time, have been associating with, meeting with, involved with, or working somehow with Russian intelligence," said Carle.

So now it's the Democrats versus the Russianpublicans. On one hand, this sounds pretty serious, because the Russians and Vladdy Putin (as Trump calls him in their private moments) are more experienced autocratic leaders than Trump and the Russianpublicans.

On the other hand, Trump is making good on his job creation promises. Sign painters all over Amerika will need help printing up all the new "Vote Russianpublican" yard signs.

Fear not: the national clear potent alcohol of Texas remains tequila, not vodka. That won't change.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

President Trump Discovers Government Waste Already Gone

One of the many surprises for President Donald Trump, besides the need to read stuff, was that all the government waste he promised to eliminate has already been eliminated. In his best fourth-grade oratory, President Trump said, "I looked for waste and sad people in the swamp of our capital doing terrible things with our money, like maybe not spending it on the wall. But it turns out all the waste is gone already."

With a more-confused-than-normal look on his face, Trump continued. "President Reagan said he would stop the waste when he got to the Oval Office. Then President Bush, the one even older than me, did the same thing. And the younger Bush said he would clean out all the rest of the waste. That's what the Mission Accomplished sign referred to, not the war stuff."

UberPresident Bannon cleared his throat and whispered, "Obama."

UnderPresident Trump jumped, and hastened to add to his remarks. "What I am saying, and the so-called press never reports, is that President Obama wasted big piles of money on stupid things. I thought it was arts and foreign aid and the UN, but it turned out to be insurance for poor people. That's all ObamaCare was, you know, or you would know if you watched the right TV shows, was insurance for poor people. What a giant waste! Terrible!"

The press looked toward UberPresident Bannon. He waved his arm from left to right. "These are not the facts you are looking for."

President Trump Promotes President Steve Bannon

Those in the "lamestream" media who keep calling White House Alt-White leader Steve Bannon "President Bannon" are peddling fake news once again. This from the real President, Donald J. Trump, who proclaimed, "I am the real President, and I'm doing a tremendous job."

But that was not all POTUS told us. "As of today, Valentine's Day, I'm promoting Steve Bannon to UberPresident. That's big league, and he's amazing."

UberPresident Bannon, spitting at the assembled members of the press, wasted no time in letting them know who is in charge now. "I'm in charge now!" he said, scratching the three-day beard growth that covered both of his chins.

Note to media: Donald Trump does NOT like to be called UnderPresident Trump. Ivanka told him it sounds vaguely gayish. Or goyish. The translation from the KGB's recording devices in the Oval Office could be to blame for this confusion.

Followers of UberPresident Bannon can order their brown shirts from Ivanka's clothing line, "Manly Ready to Wear." Order now from Nordstrom's and get the fire sale price.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Trump Continues Michelle Obama's Health Initiatives

We must applaud President Trump for his sneaky health improvement programs for the American people since he took office. Just look at the exercise Americans have received over the last two weekends.

On Saturday, January 21st, the day after thousands of people attended Trump's inauguration, millions of women got healthier while marching in Washington D.C. and every other large city across the country.

On Sunday, January 28th, tens of thousands of men and women turned airports all over the U.S. into aerobic centers. Exercise groups marched, yelled, and waved signs for hours. They breathed in fresh winter air, raised their heart rates to get their blood pumping, and made new friends.

The lamestream press won't give President Trump credit, but he's done more for the health of Americans since he took office than all of the speeches by the former First Lady. All she did was yack yack yack about eating less junk food. Trump gets people off their butts and on their feet and gets their blood pumping.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Fun and Games with #AlternativeFacts


Kellyanne Conway, the Donald Trump whisperer, clarified everything about the Trump campaign and new POTUS when she told Chuck Todd on NBC News that Press Secretary Sean Spicer didn't utter a falsehood, but gave "alternative facts."

NOW I understand. All those campaign speeches about bringing back manufacturing jobs and better healthcare? Alternative promises.

New debt reduction plan: send your creditors "alternative payments." Brilliant advice for paying off your mortgage.

Judge: "Your client is guilty of murder."
Attorney: "Your honor, he just provided the victim an alternative life."

"No, officer, I wasn't speeding. I was going an alternative speed."

"No, your honor, I didn't steal that car. I just gave it an alternative owner."

Who knew that the White House, not Silicon Valley, would give us an alternative reality?