Cuccinelli Explains Statue of Liberty Typo

Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, has been one of the few people working for President Plump Trump willing to say something stupid in public. Excuse me, I meant one of the few hundred people working for President Plump Trump saying stupid things.

But yesterday he explained the rationale behind Plump Trump's immigration fight. "The poem says 'Give me your tired, your poor,' but was supposed to say, 'Give me your tired, your PALE.' That's a typo, and the Greatest President in History is fixing that."

Immigrants: to increase your chances of being admitted to the US, please be born white.

239 pounds? Really?

President Donald J. Trump swears he weighs 239 pounds. Apparently, the White House is full of fake mirrors.

He likes nicknames, so from now on, let's dub him President Plump Trump.

Fair and Balanced?

How did Fox News come up with the slogan, "Fair and Balanced? Obviously, that's what autocorrect did to their real slogan, "Fear and Bullshit."

Mr. President, Here's How to Pay for the Wall

Big meeting and argument in the Oval Office on Tuesday, December 11, 2018. Photo op turned into a Three Stooges routine ending with Trump gleefully promising to shut down the country to get funding for his border wall.

The mistake is asking Congress to pay for the wall after the Democrats take control of the House. Why Trump didn't fund his wall during the two years he controlled the White House, Senate, and House is a joke for another time.

Yo, Don the Con, remember what you and your cult members shouted in every "rally" for the last two years?

"Are we going to build a wall?"

"YES!"

"Who will pay for the wall?"

"MEXICO!"

That's the answer, Mexico. Soon as Mexico sends a check, you can start building your wall. Or Mexico could call with their credit card number. Even PayPal. Venmo?

Online shopping myths

Looking at my browser history you would think I constantly buy my wife bikinis and lingerie. Nope.

New Instructions for ICE Officers at the Border

Under orders from President Don the Con Trump, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents are separating immigrant children from their parents. Under President Obama, children could only be separated one night and must be in the same facility. Under Don the Con Trump, preschool aged children are torn away from their parents and shipped to holding centers hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Borrowing a line from Bill Maher, let's make a New Rule: When ICE agents talk to families captured while crossing the border, the must begin every statement with, "Achtung!"

Let's just hope Trump doesn't start spreading the word about a "new directive" that handles immigration with a wonderful new "final solution" he read about in a history book.

How to Make Internet Shopping Even Better

Dear Internet retailers,

Your collective sidebar (and banner) ads are a great help when I'm searching for products, especially gifts. For instance, my wife and daughter both like Kendra Scott accessories:



So those ads really help at Christmas and birthday times. Thanks.

However, there's no button to click to say, "Thanks, bought those gifts already," and stop all those ads. Personally, I don't wear Kendra Scott accessories. My primary accessories are my wedding ring, a watch (either the one from my wife or the one from my daughter), and face stubble before I shave. So stop the with the Kendra Scott ads until the next time I type, "birthday gifts for women" in the Google search bar.

On the other hand, while I have never bought a bikini over the Internet (or in stores, for that matter), please KEEP sending me those ads. There's always time for bikini shopping, a tiny vacation from work that appears at random times and cheers me up, especially in the winter.



Your friend,
James